What Becoming A Birth doula Taught Me about my own Birth
Birth has a funny way of revealing new meaning over time. Your birth story doesn’t change, but the way you see it does. Before I became a birth doula, I gave birth to my own two children. Like many expectant parents, I did all the things I thought would best set me up for success.. Reading all the books, taking classes, meditating, and creating a birth plan to name a few.
I was doing the best I could, with the information and support I had.
Years later, as an experienced mother, and as a doula, I can’t help but to see things in a fresh light. I don’t regret my birth experience, it helped shape me into the woman, and doula I am today. But looking through my own birth with a different scope, I now understand advocacy, informed consent, and the power of feeling truly supported in a completely different way.
I’m a mom now holy smokes, time to wing this thing!
I Thought Preparing for Birth Meant Having the Perfect Plan
Planning. Planning seemed like the way that I would best optimize the unknown of birth. I printed out copies and copies of my beautifully crafted low-intervention birth plan. I took a childbirth education class offered by my obgyn office. I read books on positive birth experiences, and knew what I wanted my birth to look like. I spent hours upon hours, making sure I had the nipple cream, and carseat, cute going home outfits, and letter board. I really thought if I “thought of everything” for my hospital stay and our first few days home, I would be ready. More than ready, but thoroughly prepared.
What I didn’t realize was that I didn’t actually prepare for any of the trying, exhausting parts of labor, or life at home postpartum, exhausted with a new human being to take care of. I didn't have coping techniques for labor. I didn't have much education on breastfeeding. I didn't prepare for postpartum at all…aside from making sure the nursery looked cute. (Spoiler: that didn't matter) I hadn't thought about how I would take care of myself in any capacity.
Not All Childbirth Education Classes are Created Equal
I’d like to preface this by saying that I did not give birth in Western North Carolina. Here in Asheville, we have SO many great childbirth educators out there, doing awesome and informed education. Some of my top picks include but are not limited to Homegrown Babies, Flow of Life and Kooshlie Care Doula Services.
I took my childbirth education class 11 years ago alongside my husband. We were excited, and felt it was going to prepare us for absolutely everything we needed to know for our upcoming big day, in conjunction with the 10 books I read while pregnant. Furthermore, it was taught by a midwife, my midwife, at our OB-GYN that worked directly with the hospital I would be birthing at! I felt I was ready to be seen and supported.
I learned things like cervical dilation, and what that visually looked like. I learned about postpartum depression and signs of worry. We sat in a circle with other soon-to-be-parents and talked about what was heavy on our mind at the moment, aches and pains, preeclampsia, our glucose tests, what to pack in our labor bag. We talked about what an epidural was and what you actually felt.
A sense of solidarity & community, some good food for thought, and options were laid at my feet. But, when the day came, as it does, and my labor started, I felt vastly unprepared. I knew zero coping techniques for pain, and neither did my partner. I had no idea how to labor at home, or when to go to the hospital. When the time came where I was in labor I had no idea how to cope with the encompassing contractions and quite literally, just laid there in pain. We weren't taught about proper latches, oral ties, the emotional and physical realities of breastfeeding, or what the hell cluster feeding even was.
After my first birth I agonized, maybe even obsessed on what I did wrong, what my partner did wrong, and how it would be different next time. But, it wasn’t that we did anything wrong, it was we didn’t have any tools to draw from when labor actually began.
I didn’t Understand my Choices During Labor
Hindsight has a way of changing everything. While many times you think you know what to ask in a moment, the birthing brain is different. Labor doesn’t leave much room for critical thinking. My experience with early labor was a very uneventful one, which is better than the alternative. But, come active labor, things changed. I’m going through changes. (if you get my weird, and constant musical references, then we should be friends.)
My baby's heart rate dipped during contractions, which can be completely normal. But I never knew intermittent monitoring was an option because no one discussed it with me, so because of that I was confined to around in or right next to my bed.
I had multiple cervical checks that I did not want. The reasoning for this at the time was that there was “no other way to see how I was progressing.” This was presented to me as a necessity, even though clearly you could see by my demeanor, temperament and vocalization that labor was clearly progressing
Pain. I'd heard beautiful stories of peaceful, joyful births. I badly wanted in on this. So, I meditated, listened to affirmations, read positive birth stories, and genuinely believed mindset alone would carry me through labor. But as I was in pain, as contractions rocked my body, Pfffttt… I knew nothing about pain management. Although I asked for a room with a tub to labor in, I was not allowed to get in because of the continuous monitoring, and was told it would stall my labor. There were no hands on counter pressure techniques, encouragement to move in anyway, or affirmations. Actually the alternative, where a nurse told me that I would in fact have a lot more pain. All the while not being offered any pain management options aside from an epidural.
It’s not the fact that I would have done all these things, or that my birth would have been different. But in that there was never a conversation about pain management, choices, or ways to cope.
Every Birth is Different and Teaches Us Different Things
Because my second birth was less than three years after my first, I felt the memories and, honestly at the time, regrets pretty vividly. I felt educated, and assumed if I had done it once, I knew exactly how it would be the second time, so I could do it differently. I planned to labor at home for as long as possible, advocate for myself for choices while I was laboring, and just overall feel more confident and embodied for my birth.
What I didn't plan for was the unknown.
I was 41 weeks pregnant when my second birth started, and it happened fast. Much faster and more unexpectedly than I anticipated. There wasn't much time to settle into the rhythm of labor or work through the plans I had made in my head. Things moved quickly, and honestly, the intensity scared me.
I had spent so much time thinking about how I would make this birth different from my first. I thought I knew what labor would feel like. I thought I knew what to expect. I thought I would have more time to use everything I had learned. I didn’t know my body would feel like it was driving at 70mph and I was just a passenger.
But birth doesn't always give you the time you think you'll have.
For my second birth, I had heard what a doula was, and started to unfold my bias or belief that they would only support home births. I still didn't fully understand just how valuable the kind of support a doula could provide. I thought that because I had done this before, my husband had done this before, I could handle whatever labor threw my way. I was also deeply concerned I would be judged, given a pass or fail on how my birth played out, and that ultimately anything that didn’t happen the “right way” would be seen as my fault.
And my second birth taught me something I now understand on a much deeper level: preparing for birth isn't about knowing exactly what will happen. It's about having the tools and support to navigate what does happen.
You can prepare. You can learn your options. You can practice coping techniques, talk through different scenarios, and think about what matters most to you. But you cannot control how, when, or how quickly your birth unfolds. You have no way of knowing what you will truly need at that moment.
And that's not a failure of preparation.
It's birth.
Looking back now as a doula, I have so much more compassion for the version of myself who thought she needed to have everything figured out. I didn't need to predict my birth perfectly. I needed to know that whatever happened, I had people beside me who could help me navigate it.
Being is the ultimate teacher. Being able to witness birth as a support person has been such a gift, that keeps unfolding and teaching me. No two births are alike. All birth is raw, unknown, sacred and wild. Everytime, I amazed at the power and strength of women.
Still absolutely winging it, but now +1
What I Hope Every Expectant Parent Knows
Birth rarely unfolds exactly the way we imagine it will. It changes direction, asks more of us than we expected, and often requires us to make decisions while we're tired, vulnerable, and in pain. That's exactly why support matters.
Becoming a birth doula didn't make me wish I could go back and change my births. It gave me compassion for the version of myself who simply didn't know what she didn't know. She wasn't unprepared because she failed. She was unprepared because no one had taught her the things that would have mattered most.
Today, I know that preparing for birth isn't about having the perfect birth plan. It's about understanding your options, learning how to cope with labor, building a support team you trust, and knowing that your voice deserves to be heard throughout your experience.
If there's one thing I hope every expectant parent knows before giving birth, it's this: you don't have to memorize every intervention or anticipate every possible outcome. Actually, I think that’s a sure way to stress yourself the F out. You need to be able to dig into that oxytocin primal space within yourself. And having people beside you who can help facilitate that for you, who you trust fully in your birthing space, can help you navigate whatever birth becomes.
Birth isn't a test to pass perfectly. There’s no fail if your plan goes out the window. It's a life changing experience. And everyone deserves to walk through it feeling informed, respected, and deeply supported.
Whether you're giving birth in Asheville, elsewhere in Western North Carolina, or anywhere beyond, my hope is the same for you, that you feel informed, confident, and truly supported throughout your birth experience.
Hey, I’m Ashley.
I’m a birth and postpartum doula based in Western North Carolina. I love a long book, a cozy drink, and good belly laugh.
Supporting women through their journey is such an honor. If you are interested in working together, I would love to grab a coffee and see if I am the doula for you.
